RUPERT GOODWINS has inspired me to compile a list of my top 10 cocktails. I provide the list below, along with the rational reasons and the sub text…. ♦
1. Gin and Tonic
Rationalisation: So refreshing, The gin eases the pain inflicted by the mozzies, while tonic has quinine so I won’t die in service in this damn place, god damn you sir!
Real Reason: I’ve got an alcohol habit.
2. Vodka & Orange (scroogedriver)
Rationalisation: I love to get my five a day fruits and five a day cheap vodka coupled with cheap orange juice just makes my daze!
Real Reason: I am a cheap bastard and just want to get pissed as a fart for practically nothing.
Rationalisation: At 6AM in the morning, there is nothing more civilized than starting the day with the finest cognac that money can buy.
Real Reason: The “gentleman” is hoping that having a large cognac first thing in the morning will help him to forget the embarrassment he obviously created last night and that he couldn’t, for some reason, remember.
Rationalisation: “As a true bred Scotsman I know for a fact that our “water of life” eases most pains in life and is also, I heard, called the alkahest” – Jock McFrock, the bekuilted engineer
Real Reason: He’s on mushrooms
Rationalisation: “I started to like and love this cocktail when I met a lovely lady in a bar in Old Taipei and she was called Margarita,” An ex-pat in Taiwan.
Real Reason: He is a recovering alcoholic.
6. Bloody Mary
Rationalisation: “The celery does me good,” conference attendee
Real Reason: Alcoholics foolishly believe that the tomatoes and celery will help them achieve their famous “five a daze”
7. Beach Boogle Goggle Google Egboddle
Rationalisation: “It is a fact, universally known, that better code is written when you’re not drunk as a skunk,” Dick Pick
Real Reason: “He is buying his drugs from Jock McFrock, and they’re not working”
8. Whisky Mac
Rationalisation: Och I have a really terRRRible cold, and a snifter of a whisky mac would not only provide me with the ginger I need for my RNA but prevent my nose being sore!
Real Reason: He hasnae got a cold at all. He’s a Campbell, nae a Mac!
9. Strega (only a cocktail in certain parts of Italia)
Rationalisation: “I have had a lovely time being a guest at your wedding. I say, do you know a good liqueur as a night cap?
Real Reason: He is trying to pick the bar lady up, and mentioning an obscure liqueur of the region to impress her. He is a prat.
10. Rhum Plantations de St James (Martinique)
Rationalisation: “And they said I couldn’t get a drink in Marrakesh,” conference attendee
Real Reason: He refused to smoke dope, pick up a boy or a girl, but where there is a will, there is away. So there is a way…
Aye, Mike, a proper swiggy wards tha juiggy!
11. Dirty Hornitini
Rationalisation: Make mine a DIRRRTTY Martini, mate, for I’m both shaken and stirred, in it?; and there is nowt so good as a sippy olive soup ta help me old complexion; an I suffers from the vbitchyssoise, don’t ja know.
Real Reason: He has a worrisome big Vermouth and a powerful thirst from eating crow soots his Foot in Mouth disease! Life is very short, and there’s no time for sussing it out, Beatles er owt. Bitter chafed then chaired. Oooh bloodee bloodah.
Real Reason for the G&T: you’re in the SF Marriott and the PR’s getting restless.